I hate Starbucks
by alphazodiac
Summary: a day in the life of Keanu Reeves, written from Keanu's POV, Keanu sustains multiple injury's


'I hate starbucks.'  
  
Hello, sir, madam, whom it may concern, or your mom,  
  
My name is Neo,  
  
My *real* name is Thomas Anderson,  
  
This is the sad, sad tale of woe,  
  
If you do not enjoy reading of anothers anguish and pain, press the button labelled 'back' on the upper-left corner of your screen and leave this wreched page forever.  
  
If not, continue reading, you sadistic little scab.  
  
screw you.  
  
with all due respect,  
  
Thomas Anderson  
  
AKA Neo  
  
  
  
"Keanu, wake up."  
  
I slowly opened my eyes, the Wachowski's were hovering barely less than an inch above my head.  
  
"hello."  
  
I pushed my head as far as possible into my pillow, attempting to get away from his face.  
  
"yeah, dudes, you could... like... scoot away from my head, there, you know"  
  
They both got off of me and stood by the side of my bed, Andy looked dissapointed.  
  
"yeah, I don't feel that way about you, Andy"  
  
"oh, it's okay..."  
  
Andy hugged Larry and had a nice, long cry.  
  
"it's okay, Andy, there are more fish in the sea"  
  
Andy mumbled something unintelligble into Larry's chest  
  
"it's okay, Andy, just let it all out, it's okay"  
  
You know, the beatles once said 'ob-la-di, ob-la-da, Life goes on, bra', oviously, Andy and Larry had never heard this phrase.   
  
"take fifty!"  
  
My arms hung limply at my sides.  
  
"but Andy, I've already killed Agent Smith forty-nine times already!"  
  
"well, none of them were good enough, so do it again!"  
  
Hugo Weaving took some random ninja-style pose, ready to die.  
  
"okay, go!"  
  
I walked up to Hugo (now Agent Smith) Weaving and dealt him three swift kicks to the nuts, he groaned and fell over.  
  
Andy stood up, jubilant.  
  
"that was genius! who would ad-lib to kick someone in the nuts?"  
  
I fixed him with my coldest stare.  
  
"I wasn't acting."   
  
Hugh attempted to talk, but only suceeded with a painfully mute squeak.  
  
"ice, please."  
  
"okay, in this scene, you walk up to the starbucks guy, you ask for a coffee, then some agents come into the starbucks, you freak out, punch the starbucks guy's face in, and fly away, simple enough, take one!"  
  
I walked up to the stabucks guy  
  
"give me a hot choc-"  
  
"CUT!"  
  
"what?"  
  
"neo does NOT drink hot chocolate!"  
  
"why?"  
  
"because he's not a wuss!"  
  
"whatever."  
  
"take two!"  
  
I walked up to starbucks guy  
  
"please, give me a vente drip coffee, thank you"  
  
"CUT!"  
  
"what!?"  
  
"neo is not polite! nix the entire 'please, thank you, oh, pardon me while I kill this guy'"  
  
"okay, just shut up, cool it, man"  
  
"take three!"  
  
I pounded my fist on the starbucks guy's table, spilling the sugar and causing the starbucks guy to start  
  
"okay, man, give me a freaking coffee or else I'll shoot your freaking head off, you sad, sorry, prick"  
  
a couple of seconds of silence  
  
"I SAID GET ME A FREAKING COFFEE!"  
  
the starbucks guy stuttered  
  
"yes-yes sir"   
  
he placed a cup under a coffee tap and pressed a button, hot liquid poured into the cup, at that point I assumed it was simply coffee, later, when I woke up, I was informed a terrible mistake had been made, instead of pressing the 'coffee' button, he had accedentatly pressed the 'hot oil' button, I can only be thankful, for he could have pressed the 'molten lead' button, and bad things would happen.  
  
I grabbed my cup of 'coffee' and out of the corner of my eye I caught a glance of Mr. Hugo Weaving who, I now noticed, now walked with a limp.  
  
I opened my trench coat and weilded an uzi and gulped down my 'coffee'  
  
here is a blank point in my memory  
  
later, I woke up, with, instead of the Wachowskis above me was a doctor, and what appeared to be a stomach pump.  
  
"hello, mister Neo, we think you're bugged, try to relax"  
  
later that day, after the contents of my stomach and (due to a slip by the operator) large intestine had been sucked out of me, Andy started yelling at me for some reason or other  
  
"okay, in this scene you are a guest on Jerry Springer, then the hooker and the lesbian start making out, the inbred white dude hits his grandma in the head with a two-by-four, and Smith appears in the audience, you freak out and fly away"  
  
I took my seat next to who appeared to be a woman, but upon closer inspection, turned out to be a man, only wearing women's clothes, jerry began speaking  
  
"hello, ladies and gentlemen, today we have a very special episode of Jerry Springer, because today it seems we have trinity: the girlfriend of the dude that has the power to save us all but, sadly, has not gotten around to doing so yet."  
  
Trinity stood up from three chairs away from me, wearing a skin-tight leather outfit: typical Springer  
  
"hello, peoples-"  
  
at this point trinity passed out from the overpowering smell of urine and beer that permeated the entire stage, the hooker and lesbian began making out, and the white guy hit his grandma in the head with a plywood board, Hugo stood up in the audience and brandished a pistol, I jumped and (with the help of my stunt men: thank you) flew out what I assumed was an open window, I was sadly mistaken, also, I assumed Hugo Weaving was shooting blanks, not live rounds, in this I was also mistaken.  
  
I woke up with three gunshot wounds to the chest and a broken nose from the window,   
  
I think I'll take up quilting.  
  
*finis* 


End file.
